It’s Ok To End Friendships Over Politics. Here’s Why
I place quite a bit of value on friendship. I’m far from alone.
When we are children, our first real social step outside of our families, is through friendships. By forming a relationship with someone who does not share our genetic tree, we take a step towards the world around us.
As we grow older, friendships shape our life in countless ways. Along with our families, our friends play a critical role in shaping our personality, values, and outlook on the world.
Friendships offer countless benefits. Numerous studies have documented how strong relationships (including friendships) help us live longer, healthier lives. In fact, as adults, and in older age, friendships play as important of a role in our psychological well-being as our familial relationships.
I can testify to the powerful role friendship has played in my own life. With my friends, I’ve traveled the world, started a successful business, and received (and provided) crucial emotional support. A critical part of my experiences in college, law school, and living in other cities and countries, were the friendships I formed. In short, friendship improved my life immensely.
Like every adult, I’ve had some friendships wither away. In some cases, this was due to distance, or differing interests and places in life. In a few instances, the friendship did not work out due to conflicts in personality, or a lack of respect.
However, not one of my friendships ended because our politics varied — and I have friends with a range of political views. I enjoy hearing a variety of opinions and believe passionately in the value of dialogue.
I’m unlikely to let a good friendship suffer damage because of political differences. I suppose I’m somewhat hard to offend when it comes to politics.
Yet, I’ve come to realize is that it’s OK to end a friendship because of differing political outlooks. In fact, for some of us, it’s the most rational choice. Despite my lack of personal experience in ending friendships over political views, here is how I see it.
For Many People, Deeply Held Political Beliefs Are Reflections Of Underlying Values
Perhaps the following statement was always accurate: Our politics are closely linked to our deeper values. How we see politics is driven by our understanding of the world. The political is always deeply personal. To exist, as a human, is to be political.
Yet, through anecdotal observation, I’m not sure if this is entirely true. Many people don’t give much thought to most political issues. For others, they have opinions, but they aren’t particularly strong.
For example, they might generally believe that the government should charge higher taxes and provide better infrastructure. Or, perhaps they feel immigration should be more regulated.
However, they aren’t likely to call their senator or congressperson over this issue. They might not even to regularly follow the progress of policies in these areas. They certainly won’t end a friendship over this.
For others, they wear their politics on their sleeve. Whether it is immigration, gun regulations, healthcare, or any other topic, politics is a window into their broader worldview.
For example, an individual who believes strongly in more open immigration policies might feel that the nation benefits from having a variety of people live here. They might also believe that as a wealthy nation, the United States has an obligation to welcome others with less means. Perhaps the story of their own family’s arrival in the United States drives their deep identification with the immigrant story.
When People’s Values Differ Drastically, Conflict Is More Likely, And Friendship More Challenging
Let’s consider a person who holds the opposite views of the person mentioned above, on the topic of immigration. Consider an individual who deeply feels that immigration should be restricted. Perhaps they believe it can be somewhat positive — but only in limited numbers. They feel that immigration is most beneficial when it is highly regulated.
Or maybe this person sees immigration in general as disruptive to society. They view it as a harbinger of societal decline, through loss of a common culture. Some may believe that only immigration from certain nations should be allowed.
Whatever the underlying reasons behind their views, let’s assume they’re friends with someone who fervently supports looser immigration policies, and sees open immigration as a net positive for society. In such a situation, a few things will happen.
First, the two friends might stay off “hot” topics and keep their views to themselves. Maybe they’re both fitness enthusiasts, or enjoy 80’s pop classics, are fine dining aficionados. Maybe their friendship is rooted in some less wholesome, like rooting for the New England Patriots (sorry Pats fans).
Most importantly, these two individuals respect each other, and have fun spending time together. In these circumstances, the friendship might prosper — if they are able to studiously avoid the thorny topic of immigration. This gets tricky when we consider that friends not only spend time together in person, but might also interact on social media.
It might be possible to steer clear of a controversial discussion in person, or when messaging one on one. What happens when your friend posts a meme on Instagram, creates a TikTok video, or comments on Facebook?
This is where it becomes challenging. Suddenly, your friend’s diametrically opposing views are into brought into sharp focus. How can you stay silent?
Even if you do manage to bite your tongue, and don’t view their social media, it seems almost inevitable that you’ll judge your friend. Not their views, but rather, them as a person. Remember, we’re talking about values.
Silent resentment builds. It can ultimately prove to be very destructive to a friendship. For these reasons, I think that it’s often hard (not impossible) to maintain a friendship, when two people hold deeply opposing views on a values-driven political issue.
Life Is Better With Greater Harmony & Less Conflict
Ask yourself a question: Do you enjoy verbal and emotional conflict? Be honest with yourself. Some of us seem to clash with others often — but is it really what we want?
We probably don’t. Sometimes conflict is inevitable, and necessary for growth. However, if we find ourselves in recurring conflict over a topic, trouble is brewing.
If we agree that strong disagreement about deeply held political beliefs can be a source of painful conflict, and that such discord is undesirable, why would you continue a friendship with someone whom you deeply differ with over matters of great personal importance? How does such a relationship improve your overall happiness and well-being?
Now, you might point to other redeeming qualities of your friend. They might say the same of you.
You’re probably both correct. Yet, how do you reconcile those attributes with the fact that your overall interactions are marred by discord, which damage your mental and emotional state?
You have two options. One is to separate your friend from their political views, and hope they’ll grant you similar grace. Think of them and their opinions as two separate entities.
Here is the problem with that approach: It’s not honest. Your friend is a complex person. If their politics are an integral part of their overall values and character, you can’t separate that from who they are as a person.
You like a version of your friend, not the real person. Is that an honest friendship? I’d say no. Perhaps for some folks, it works — in the short run at least.
The other approach is to simply move on. You acknowledge that your friend has many amazing qualities. Simultaneously, you acknowledge (with some sadness) that the gap in your views and values are simply too large.
Who you are, and who they are, are fundamentally misaligned. You desire peace in your life and want to minimize conflict where possible. Therefore, you’re ending the friendship.
The Path Forward
You’ve now ended a friendship over deeply rooted differences in personal values, as manifested through political beliefs. What should you do now?
First, you should feel is a sense of gratitude. This might sound unusual. Why would you feel happy or grateful at the end of a friendship?
Well, you stayed true to your core values. Remember, your political stances are strongly held, and a part of who you are. Compromising them is anathema for you. Adhering to your character and values is crucial.
Second, you should focus on forming friendships with those whom you more closely align with you in terms of political values. This might sound narrow-minded at first glance. Isn’t focusing on friendships with those who share your views exclusionary?
It is. Here’s the thing: That’s OK. If your goal is to live a harmonious life, and maximize happiness, then shouldn’t you avoid friendships with those whose values differ from yours, in a way that is likely to cause interpersonal conflict?
Why not focus on spending time with those whom you share core beliefs with? If your views on various topics collide so dramatically with those of someone else, why would you continue to put yourself in a situation where you’re going to run into constant conflict?
What You’re Missing Out On
In life, we must be honest with ourselves about the costs and benefits of each decision. In this context, how does limiting friendships based on core values impact our lives negatively? We’ve talked about the positives — now, what are the downsides?
Here is the first issue: We don’t always know what will make us happy in the long run, and friendships can provide great comfort in challenging times. It’s true that you and your friend share opposing views on immigration.
However, what if in a few years, you’re dealing with an illness, or the lose of a loved one? What if that friend proves to be a great source of comfort?
Or, what if despite your differences, you can travel to a foreign country together? You have the time of your life. Consider what you would have missed out on if you ended this relationship.
We also tend to underestimate how much we, and those around us, can change, evolve, and grow over time. What if your views start to shift?
What if instead this happens for your friend? Or, what if what was once so important to you or them, starts to matter less? These are changes which might occur over time. We can’t predict them today.
All of these are real risks we take when ending a friendship over political values. These are not trivialities which we should overlook. There are consequences to actions taken today, and we might regret them tomorrow.
What does this mean? Well, from an overall happiness standpoint, you’ll need to balance the cost of conflict avoided, against the loss of a potentially lasting connection with someone else.
This doesn’t mean that a friendship should not have ended. Just be mindful that breaking a friendship is rarely something which can be reversed. For that reason, we must be deliberate when it comes to issues of friendship.
The Final Word
Friendship is one of the great blessings in life. I believe that each friendship has the capacity to not only bring us happiness, but also to push us forward — in short, to grow us.
My life is unimaginable without the friendships I have formed. That is true for so many of us.
At the same time, many of us have deeply held political beliefs, which are underpinned by closely held values. If these values conflict with those of others, friendship can become a challenging endeavor.
For these reasons, I believe that it is fine, and perhaps wise, to end a friendship in such circumstances. However, we should always be mindful of the long-term consequences, of what is lost, before doing so.
